Grief is going to touch you at some point in your life. I would be surprised if it hasn’t touched you already, although it may not be through the loss of a loved one to death. Even as small children we can be devastated by what our parents might perceive as nothing. But you can see the heartbreak, anger, denial, bargaining, and eventually acceptance (Kubler-Ross) in the process of a child who believes they have lost something that feels precious to them.
Loss and grief is never just about the person or thing that disappears in its most reliable form from our world. There are always symbolic associations that we lose and grieve deeply to add insult to injury. Often loss involves the loss of something future imagined, it can involve the loss of safety or security, and it can involve a feeling of disconnection with anything that felt meaningful that is associated with saying goodbye to someone or something important to us.
This week I felt touched by grief again. I know the theory. I know the coping strategies. And still I can feel the heartbreak that goes with losing that which I love. This year I lost my brother to cancer. As I walked by the water this morning, feeling a gaping hole in my chest and the tears flowing unashamedly I felt grief bubbling up as it has again for the past week. I wondered in the depth of feeling how I would cope with the day ahead. I had decided to get up early and walk as part of my “self- care” knowing that my heart feels so heavy and like it has been in the wringer lately: so much grief, so much attachment, and also so much love. I remember that as I walked trying to stay present with the beauty of the ocean, trees, and birds, the feelings were vying for my attention and there was no pushing feeling aside or distracting with the beauty of nature.
I did manage to tear myself away from my inner world and worries from time to time and then realised I needed to face the deep well of sadness for a while and acknowledge it; be with it for a time and show my inner world some care and attention. So I let love flow, felt the tears on my cheeks, the sobs and the cracking open in my chest. I acknowledged I was grieving. And I felt not only the recent loss, but other deeply felt losses in my life. I notice grief even connected me with anticipatory loss. Because I realise there is no escaping we are all going to die one day. The thing is we never know when.
As I allowed myself to feel it all and accepted what was there for me, I remember the two wings of awareness: mindfulness and compassion. I sat for a few moments intending to meditate but the best I could do was hold my open hand over my heart and offer myself loving, caring touch. Stopping to allow and taking care of myself with compassion, not trying to fix it, was the best thing I could have done. These actions don’t take grief away. These actions of mindfulness and self-compassion care for me as I go through the most natural process we humans have.
There is a wonderful talk by Tara Brach that has connected me deeply with love this past week. I have shared it on my Facebook page and with other dear souls I know who are grieving right now, and struggling with that grief. I share the talk here. It’s not about grief; it’s about Love, Acceptance, and Compassion. I have watched this YouTube video several times, and feel like I will watch it again and again, because it reminds me of what is most important to me. It’s Love, connection, belonging. Experiencing loss, especially of people, and relationships can leave us with a sense of losing connection and a sense of belonging…
In a recent article I wrote about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow’s original hierarchy showed connection and belonging as third on the list of needs. However, connection and belonging is an intrinsic human need that left unfulfilled and in extremes, can make people unconcerned about food, water, shelter. If you think about times that you have grieved, what do you think your most prevalent need was that you wanted met? Was it food, shelter? For most of us it’s most likely a hug, acknowledgement, connection in some form: perhaps from the person we have lost. We miss connection terribly, and naturally.
I have watched a family dealing with grief, all in our own ways. Some appear to have struggled more than others but each person has their own internal world of grieving. In all honesty I feel like I am only now starting to grieve, which I guess means I may have been in denial all this time. As I observe us all and especially notice one person’s life appear to disintegrate in denial and anger, blaming god for the death of their loved one, I realize how we often find death and loss too hard to accept even though it is a natural part of life. So too are the intense feelings of grief.
There is a parable about a woman who lost a child. It goes like this:
“… Tragedy strikes. A woman’s son, at just the age where he had begun to run around on his own, died.
Distraught, the woman took up the child’s body and searched for a doctor with the right medicine to revive him. She was laughed at and mocked by those who saw her until, finally, a man told her to go see the Buddha.
She asked the Buddha if he could help her. To her delight, he said, “yes, I can help you.”
What he would need from her was just a simple mustard seed from the nearby village. In India, mustard seeds would be in practically every house as a common spice. She was elated; this would be easy. “But,” the Buddha told her, “you must get the seed from a house that has not known death.”
Realization
“Sure,” she thought, and went quickly on her way. At the first house she asked for the mustard seed and when it was quickly offered to her, she asked, “has there been death in this house?” The kind villager nodded and told the story of a lost uncle or cousin. The same happens at the next house, and the next house, and the next.
As she traveled from house to house and heard story after story, her sense of aloneness in her grief began to subside. “No house is free from death,” she realized. She finally let go of her son, laying him in a forest nearby, and returned to the Buddha.
The Buddha asked her, “Do you have the mustard seed?”
“Dear teacher,” She replied, “I do not, but I saw that the living are few and the dead are many.” (credit for this version to Patheos.com)
So as this parable so wisely tries to tell us that we are all touched by loss and grief.
There is a model of working with loss and grief which I love to share known as the 4 tasks of grief (Worden). Here is a short summary of it as food for thought. If you would like to know more about it please feel free to contact me:
Task 1 – To Accept the Reality of the Loss
Task 2 – To work through the pain of grief
Task 3 – To adjust to an environment in which your loved one is missing
Task 4 – To find an enduring connection with your loved one and move on with life (find a new way to hold their presence in your life).
There is more information of ways to work with these tasks available in Worden’s book if you feel it resonates with you.
The stages of grief and the tasks of grief are a fluid thing and not necessarily experienced in a defined order. Grief is something that will always be with us. However the daily busyness of life takes over, and our minds focus less and less on the object of our loss. My beautiful mother shared with me recently, with tears in her eyes when speaking of the loss of her parents in her teens, that the feelings are still the same at 83 years of age as they were as a teenager. She simply does not think about it all the time. She was touched again by grief with the loss of her son this year; that loss connected her with the deep pain that was already there. Both of my parents know pain and rise to face another day. We all do.
So I share with you one of my tasks of working through grief: When sadness or any feelings overwhelm you, stop for a moment and place your own hand on your heart as a caring gesture. Take some slow deep breaths to be with the tears or whatever is there. This act of love for yourself acknowledges your pain, eases your suffering, and shows you that you are worthy of care and attention as you experience life in all its mystery. You might like to see it as your soul reaching out to you showing you that love is loving you.
Some people share that they can’t feel anything. That is often a sign that so many feelings have overwhelmed that there can be a kind of dissociation from feeling; a kind of safety valve in some way. Still stop and place your hand over your heart. The act of doing so brings such a deep act of kindness to you, even if you can’t feel it; know it’s your soul reaching out to you showing you that love is loving you.
This act of love and presence is something that can feel helpful and soothing at anytime. Do it when you are happy, excited, angry, feeling anything at all. Be present and notice what happens when you stop and place your hand on your heart and breathe with it for at least three deep slow breaths. Right now, Pause, and do it.
My tears are welcome, and so are yours. I wish you love, kindness, and care as you travel through each day and the mystery of life.
If this article causes any difficulties or distress please reach out for crisis support to the numbers on my Crisis Support page.