What to do with struggle …. How do I accept what is?
Learning to accept life does not mean you do nothing or that nothing changes. Life is in a continual state of flux, ever changing – never static. Acceptance is about embracing reality because it just is what it is in any given moment. When we can do that (embrace reality) we don’t have to push so hard to change things. Often as a natural consequence of accepting reality, change just happens.
“that change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is — to be fully invested in his current positions. By rejecting the role of change agent, we make meaningful and orderly change possible.” Arnold Beisser – The paradoxical theory of change.
So how do we do that? We get to know our “self” intimately. We become more aware of our life experience and mindfulness is a way to do that. We notice the physical feelings, emotions, and thoughts that arise in different situations. Mindfulness meditation (starting with the breath) is the training ground for expanding awareness of how we live life and how life impacts us.
As we start to live life consciously and stop pushing away what is there, we start the journey down the rabbit hole. Sometimes we don’t know what to do with that which we have become aware of. There’s one sure fire thing you can do to be with the moment, accept it, and let it go (at least for now).
Ask yourself a question about what you are experiencing. It’s a great way to acknowledge reality and accept it is there. Become curious and question your experience: Not to raise doubt, question like a scientist to raise your curiosity, and life could become an experiment. Let go of an answer – it may or may not come to you at the time.
Quality questions
Ask about your feelings.
Ask about your thoughts.
Ask about your body sensations.
Ask about your experiences past, present, and potential future.
Ask about your unique meaning of life.
Dr John Demartini,Tony Robbins, and other motivational speakers often say that the quality of life is partly based on the quality of questions asked. As I become more aware I notice questions naturally arise. As I become more mindful, kind and compassionate, more questions arise within me. I have noticed questioning has become a tool and a skill. Next time you meditate or you’re feeling challenged just try posing a question and sitting with it for a while, perhaps one of the following:
Where am I at with this right now?
How did I get here?
What are the sensations in my body right now?
Is there something I need right now?
I wonder what the meaning is behind this, because I just don’t understand it right now.
I thought I had dealt with this, what am I missing?
What is it within me that chooses this experience?
If I am being kind and honest with me right now what is this situation telling me about myself.
What does this tell me about the other person?
What is my responsibility, what do I actually have control of, and what can I let go of?
What do I want to experience in my life right now?
Is my choice in alignment with what I want to experience in my life right now?
A statement you might make after asking your question is – “I trust that I will understand and know the answers when they present to me”.
What questions would you ask if you stop for a moment, to be with your life as it is, just noticing it in all its glory, neutrality, and pain? What could you become curious about? Would being curious help you acknowledge what is there? Would acknowledging what is in your experience in the moment be a way to accept? I wonder what would happen if you could accept that’s just how it is right at this moment… with gentle curiosity…
We all have the answers we need within us. We do need to learn how to ask questions and just remain open for the answers , however they choose to show up.
The question I most often ask in general terms: “What do I most need to know or do right now to be loving, kind and compassionate?” It’s my bottom line – what I care about most. AND it includes all living beings (me).
The following musings will hopefully help other mothers and fathers who have experienced loss and grief of children through estrangement and difficult circumstances. This feeling of loss and grief is often overlooked, not accepted, or disregarded. For those of us who feel this, our loss is real and our grief runs deep. This is also relevant to anyone who feels a deep sense of loss that is unexpressed or not accepted. Grief is personal. Grief is experienced when someone or something that is deeply meaningful is no longer a part of our world.
Meditating this morning and sitting with (physical) pain in my eyes (not a good sign for me), a realisation that I have had before in similar circumstances flooded my head and heart. The eye condition has been with me for around 30 years. At times it has progressed to limited vision in one or both eyes to a point of blindness. (Thankfully I have been blessed on several occasions with the recovery of one eye.) The times of blindness coincide with deeply impacting life events: the first time with the loss during pregnancy of my youngest child, which coincided with the loss of my two beautiful living children through choices I made. The loss of my two children was not total at the time, and overtime it became so.
This morning as I sat with the present eye discomfort and thoughts of the last three days when I have felt this eye pain, the thought occurred to me of what I have been pushing aside; I often do this without realising it. This is a recurring situation where fear, sadness, guilt and shame all arise and meld together into a deep sense of grief. This is an experience I thought I had learned to be with. However, this morning I realised I have just learned to push it aside in sneaky ways. Current events have brought this situation into the forefront of my life again.
As an aside, it has come to my attention over the last few years as I navigate this journey of motherhood, its joy and pain, just how many mothers are estranged for a myriad of reasons and circumstances from their children. Each one of us has a unique experience and so do our children who remain distant. I do know this is not a blame game even though I have spent many years blaming myself. I have spent years with harsh feelings of blame or resentment towards others in this massively intense journey of loss. I am also aware of a lack of understanding from other people. Someone who didn’t understand my grief once said to me “They’re not dead!”; And yes thankfully, for my two older children that is true. However, there are times when I feel as if I am dead or at least a very big part of me has died. This is my loss and grief experience. I wonder how other mothers feel inside. I can only speak of my experience.
So, as I slowly let go of blame but not responsibility for my part in this intense dynamic I feel compassion for other people involved in this situation slowly creeping in. Each of us has a very personal perspective shaped by many influences. For some time now I realised I have to let go of having any control or influence in how the story will play out. The Serenity Prayer has been a major comfort and lesson for me. I feel serenity more often, courageous at times, and a wee bit of wisdom evolving into my head and heart. I also realise where there is life there is change ( I don’t like the word “hope”). Change is happening continually. I don’t know what the future holds for anyone. There is always a wild card among life’s ups and downs. The best plan is to be present in my life as it is right now accepting the richness of all experiences.
What I do know from practicing mindfulness is that I no longer wish to push these deep feelings aside, fill my days with an overload of work or study, and avoid living fully. This triggering situation will continue to arise until I no longer need to learn from it. As a result of my contemplation I am welcoming my feelings like an old friend (Thich Nhat Hanh), having an internal conversation about life, and getting to know my experience. My mindful acceptance of feelings as they arise helps me to self-regulate and not become overwhelmed and engulfed in grief or any other feelings that arise. So far my clarity is elusive. However, I am willing to stop pushing the feelings away and sit with them mindfully with kindness and compassion to myself and to the others who are a part of this co-created situation. We all suffer. I know that pushing anything away will not facilitate growth.
A quote from my journal this morning
“My thoughts of healing are not to stop the feelings of grief, my thoughts are to understand what I could learn from them.”
A mindful note – May we all learn to befriend that which ails us (and gives us joy), accept it, learn from it, heal, and welcome love, kindness, and compassion into our world.
I recognise and welcome the following intense feeling: I am so incredibly grateful to have brought these beautiful children in the world and grateful for the many amazing moments we have shared as a family. I am grateful that they have reached adulthood, and my deepest wish is for their happiness, good health, ease and grace.
Self-Awareness and internal honesty are powerfully connected. An honest appraisal of who we think we are, and what we bring to the world is a great learning experience. With awareness of how we treat ourselves and how we treat others we can notice the impact we have on our world and make any worthy adjustments to our thoughts and behaviour. Understanding the difference between judgment and discernment, and noticing where we employ either trait takes honesty and courage.
Pinocchio’s Judgments…
Judgment of self (and others) promotes defensive and offensive reactions. Discernment promotes a mind open to options and choice-fullness; opportunity for responsive change. The difference between judgment and discernment is loving kindness and compassion. Judgment is aggressive, discernment is assertive. If discernment replaces judgment we are more likely to feel the freedom of honest self appraisal and more proactive self expression. We are more open to expanding on our traits that promote growth, leaving behind that which makes us contract.
When there is room for honesty and discernment within there is greater opportunity to stop relying on other people’s opinions and approval. We can choose more appropriate expectations of self inwardly and externally of other people and events. Whatever we are creating and experiencing out in the world is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Look and feel inwards for the truth, practice unlimited friendliness to what is there, and check out with curiosity if you would like to experience something new and different.
How can we recognise judgment and how can we cultivate internal honesty? Questioning is a very useful tool; questioning without attachment to an answer. Asking a specific question creates a powerful intention towards an outcome. As you frame an initial question allow other questions to arise, perhaps becoming more specific and focused, zooming in on finer points. The questions arise out of your expanding awareness. The following questions are some suggestions around this topic of exploring judgment and criticism. Remember to hold an attitude of curiosity and gentleness as you contemplate and process the questions. You may like to hold a specific experience in mind as you ask these questions:
Criticism and judgment about yourself:
How do I recognise self criticism and judgment? (Intention of topic)
What is my internal tone of voice?
Am I chastising myself?
What language am I using?
How would I feel if someone else spoke to me in this tone, with these words?
What body sensations do I notice when I am judging myself?
How do I feel when I treat myself in this manner?
Do I feel expanded and open, or do I feel contracted and shut down?
What things do I do well that expand me and open me to life?
Criticism and judgment about other people:
Am I being critical or discerning?(Intention of topic)
What impact is my tone and language having on the other person?
Am I judging the person or the behaviour?
Am I making the other person wrong so that I can be right?
Do I fear them because I don’t understand their differences?
How are we similar?
I wonder what it’s like for them…
What body sensations do I notice when I am criticising someone?
How would I feel if someone spoke to me the same way?
Is there another way to do this?
What does this person do well?
Pause after you ask your question and feel the sensations and emotions as they arise, still sitting with curiosity and gentleness. Answers are not always available in words. There is amazing wisdom in our body. The more we practice mindfulness in meditation the more we understand our unique internal language. As this aspect of our inner world develops, we can more readily tune in to the reality of our external experience.
The following meditative exercises can be a part of your meditation practice. You could incorporate the questions listed above into your meditation. You can also use the questions as well as mindful being throughout your day, holding them lightly, to be aware of your internal process. You can combine these meditations into one meditation practice, or do them separately as you see fit. Sit comfortably in a position that allows you to be restful and alert. You can close your eyes after reading the guide. (If using the questions, open your eyes to read each new question.) Allow your attention to settle on your breath for a few minutes. Then allow the intention to arise to be aware of how and when judgment and criticism are present.
Mindful exercise 1:
Allowing thoughts to arise about opinions you hold about yourself see if you can catch yourself when in judgment mode. As you do, bring your attention inward and notice how your body feels, notice your mood and emotions. Perhaps thoughts arise connected to this process. Notice them. Feel what is present and sit with the sensations allowing them to be, without judgment of the judgment. Be curious. Then expand your awareness to times you may judge others. Once again notice how your body feels, notice your mood and emotions. Feel what is present and sit with it allowing it to be, without judging yourself. Just notice through the sentient experience of what arises. Return your attention the breath…
Finish with Mindful exercise 3…
Mindful exercise 2:
Bring to mind a situation where you experience judgment from another person. Bring your attention to your body sensations, mood and emotional state. Notice any thoughts that arise. Notice how this judgment impacts you and stay with the sensations with an attitude of curiosity and gentlness. Notice any urges to react to this judgment, either internally or through outward expression. As you notice the urge to react, tune in to your body and emotions noticing the feeling that goes with reaction. Sit with the sensations. Return your attention to the breath…
Finish with Mindful exercise 3…
Mindful exercise 3:
Imagine feeling arms of caring kindness wrapping around you, accepting you as you are, gently loving you for your internal honesty. Know this caring embrace comes from the infinite aspect of you, the part of you that is pure awareness. When you feel this warmth and caring for yourself, you may choose to expand this feeling of kindness out to other people you know who are similarly challenged. Bring your attention back to kindness to yourself. Allow your attention to settle on the breath…
Pinocchio and his conscience
Mindfully engaging in our inner world, external reality, and how we contact life, we can observe our defences and offences. We expand our awareness of the impact we have on our own well-being as well as the well being of our external world when judgment is present. We can make choices about how we want to be treated and how we choose to treat other people and our environment. Looking deeply within I know I have the seeds of every trait and emotion. Looking honestly I own the traits I express that cause harm to myself and others. I see my prejudices, my aggrandisement, my harsh inner critic, my bad choices, and I own it all. It took courage, honesty and kindness to transform my judgments of self and others to discernment and acceptance. It’s an ongoing process.
When I transform my judgment to discernment and make responsive choices, my life takes on a whole new meaning. My sense of peace, purposefulness, and empowerment grows exponentially. My sense of caring in general has expanded, my priorities often shift, I am less concerned with the opinions others have of me, and more concerned with the origins of others opinions. Do I have some responsibility in those origins? Sometimes I do. I do my utmost to remain mindful of the impact I have on myself and other people. When in doubt I ask myself “Is this coming from love or fear?” and then tune in to my body for an answer. I am more courageous and responsible in meeting my needs and following my dreams and desires. AND sometimes I get it wrong. I choose to be honest with myself about my opinions, motivations, aspirations, feelings, and actions. More and more, when appropriate, I share my honesty. Mostly these objects of awareness are just for my internal process. The greatest way I can share my internal process is through my way of being. My life is rich with learning, conscious and unconscious process, and love.
May your journey transform with honesty and discernment.
In love and light
Note: When meditating on my inner processes, I like to have a journal beside me to write about my experiences after the meditation. I allow myself time to sit with my experience first.
Last night I attended the Open Heart Crystal Bowl meditation at Third Eye Healing Centre at Margate. I facilitate meditation groups myself and recently what has been powerfully reinforced to me is how important the group energy of meditation is. Practicing meditation daily, and mindfulness continually is not something that usually comes naturally. It is a skill/tool we learn along the way – just like making our bed or brushing our teeth. Proficiency and integration is a process that is likely to develop more powerfully with practice, reinforcement, commitment, and support.
I am definitely dedicated to my spiritual life and meditation practice. Even so there are times where my meditation practice “falls off the wagon”. I started facilitating a new group recently to help me get back on the wagon and whilst it was a powerful motivator to walk my talk, as well as provide the support for other meditators, I still struggled with my daily meditation routine and life challenges as they arose. I have recently revisited other groups that give me a chance to participate as a member, where the only contribution and responsibility was showing up. This has refreshed my enthusiasm through the energetic contributions of like-minded people. My daily practice feels much richer for my effort of taking care of my spiritual needs this way. I’m sure the groups I facilitate will benefit vicariously from this too.
I notice as I am confronted by more challenging aspects of life, the more I need to practice, and at times the more difficult I find it to actually sit and be with the physical feelings of agitation, the ruminations, and the emotions that arise. This is especially the time to stop a perfunctory attitude to life and make a conscious effort – take meditation action! The action I have taken recently was to find a local group that I resonate with – Third Eye Healing Centre as I mentioned earlier, and also revisiting the Caboolture Mindfulness Practice Group – a local sangha who practice the Buddhist teachings of Plum Village founded by Thich Nhat Hanh.
Participating in a group can be disconcerting for some people. Group meditation is not usually about sharing personal information or being exposed in vulnerability. Therapy groups are more likely to engage in more personal exposure, always at a participant’s level of comfort and permission. Group meditation is about sitting in a process of meditation with others and sharing the focused energy that is created in the process of doing “inner” work. The inner work could be a mindfulness practice, inner journey, or whatever the meditation process is that resonates with you. This can change over time and with needs as they arise. There is no sharing of your personal meditation experience required in a meditation group even if invited to do so.
I find that Mindfulness Meditation gives me a strong foundation of presence with whatever type of inner work I choose to engage in. I practice mindfulness of breath often during my day. All it takes is to become aware of my breath in the moment and stay with it as long as is practical, depending on what I’m doing. When I take the time to sit and meditate I always start with breath awareness and either stay with that or then progress to other forms of meditation. This includes when sitting in groups. I find my meditation focus is actually easier in a group setting.
No matter what type of meditation resonates with you, finding a group that feels supportive to you is right up there with the priority of taking time in your daily life to practice some form of meditation. Attending a group on a weekly basis allows you to contribute, and receive, from the synergy created by the group. Synergy of a group is also beneficial to the community at large. Energy knows no boundaries. Imagine how beneficial your contribution is to the world each time you meditate with loving intention for yourself, and even more so when you practice with a group…
Life will continue to be a process of highs and lows. Learning how to manage the highs and lows is something we can take
Water Crystal affected by Love – Masuru Emoto
responsibility for. When we discover suitable ways to do our inner work and we know where to find external support to our process, we have an opportunity to experience life with a richness and appreciation that infuses throughout our days. Attending a regular group meditation is one way you can tap into external support for your inner process and growth. Find a group that resonates with your values and beliefs and make a commitment to yourself to attend. Be open to changing to a new group if a group ceases to fulfill your needs – don’t just stop going.
Wishing you joyful and sustained meditating throughout your life process.
ever changing – never static. Acceptance is about embracing reality because it just is what it is in any given moment. When we can do that (embrace reality) we don’t have to push so hard to change things. Often as a natural consequence of accepting reality, change just happens.
